Feedback Coaching: How to Get Results with “Tough Love”

While many feedback coaching tips expound on the benefits of empathy in providing difficult-to-hear messages, there is a limit to empathy’s effectiveness in feedback situations. Don’t misunderstand me, I do believe empathy is a critical element of all feedback sessions. However, one thing I notice with some clients, particularly those women and men who have what research might call a “feminine leadership style”, is that too much empathy can get in the way of the other person’s ability to understand what you really would like them to do.

For example, an executive client of mine reported struggles with a direct report who was impatient leading team members through a major change initiative. Because her direct report was very busy and felt that developing trusting relationships with his team was a waste of time, my client struggled to help her direct report understand why it was important to spend time understanding his team’s challenges. When I asked her to share some of the discussion it was clear that she was over-empathizing with his busy schedule (because she had one too!) The result, however, was that the direct report’s team members didn’t feel heard and were digging their heels in resisting the change. Thanks to my client’s over-reliance on empathy (and discomfort with his resistance), her direct report wasn’t getting the message that it was…